tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
