I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
