It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
