mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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