MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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