just come out here and I will go home with you...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
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All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
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People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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