Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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