While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
