1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
