tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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