do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
