So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
