My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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