when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am available for nakedness
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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