I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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