i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
