i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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