i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
