i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
