he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
