Will you blow on my dice?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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