Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My ATM looks so different sober.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
