Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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