How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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