I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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