Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If its not for food we ain't going out.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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