Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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