Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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