I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
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A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
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Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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