I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
