mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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