so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
