What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
