It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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