When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
