I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
