We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
