if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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