you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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