My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
