I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
