if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
