Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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