We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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