All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
