when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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