Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Congratulations! We have a period
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