hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
