I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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