so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
