I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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