a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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