what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Farmville is her only friend.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
