Got a toothbrush?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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