Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
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I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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