"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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