Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
