It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
