Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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