he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
